The Task at Hand

Alex_Grey_Gaia_crop As our world is in greater and greater crisis, the path of transformation beckons to us.
With this transformation occurring in pockets spread across the globe, the rapid increase of information serves to overwhelm and incapacitate many of the people who would otherwise be of great worth in the paradigm shift that is occurring. Multiplicity serves to create a sense of confusion in many, who feel that the task of getting a clear picture of what is occurring is too daunting and not possible for them.

In America, we’ve had the individualist and capitalist approach sculpt our thinking and tendencies from the very beginning of our understanding of the world and the environment we live in. These tendencies, I believe, even significantly impact our pursuits towards overcoming the system which created them. This is cause for a tremendous amount of multiplicity within the paradigm shift movements that are springing up with increasing speed. The initial inclination of many is to make a movement entirely unique to their own sensibilities, and while this is incredibly helpful, we lack a unifying principle.

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Fragmentation is exactly what the capitalist mindset does, and exactly why it inevitably leads to competition above cooperation. I believe we need to overcome these deeply rooted tendencies within our efforts towards a functional paradigm shift. Most importantly, we will need to simplify the landscape of ideology that is conveyed to the larger public, so that we may alleviate the sense of debilitating confusion that arises when faced with a vast multiplicity of symbology and terminology, ultimately signifying the same principles.

The primary purpose of the Paradigm Shift Film Series is facilitating connection, not creating new memes and increasing the multiplicity of movements under the same guiding principles.
The fulfillment of the organization will be connecting individuals to pre-existing organizations working towards the same end that they individually take strongest interest in, ones that were previously unknown.

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In a functional paradigm shift, organizational solidarity must become as important as individual and group solidarity. This is a radical departure from the model for organizational relations that we are accustomed to, but a radical departure from the prevailing ideology is essential to the initiatives set in place by these organizations to begin with.

I believe we have the power already to make the changes that all of us are trying to enact separately, and that our roadblock is fragmentation.
To simplify and unify is the purpose. The guiding principles are the prophecy of the Eagle and the Condor, and the primacy of the middle path.
http://www.pachamama.org/blog/the-eagle-and-the-condor-prophecy

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#ParadigmShift

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April 29th: Some Final Remarks From Iquitos

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Well my friends, I have had several ceremonies since my last submission and all I can say is this:
If you are wondering what your purpose in this life is, what is beyond this world of form, if there is anything that can be done to combat the emotional malaise of this culture, or how many times you can possibly vomit in a short period of time – Go to the amazon, find an authentic healer shaman, drink the foul tasting brew, reconnect with the spiritual realms, with the soul of the planet, and reclaim our birthright of connection with the vast network of life that surrounds us, but most importantly, found out who and what it is that you are.

You may or may not find what you are looking for, mother ayahuasca offers no promises, only keys to doors that you must unlock. However, the potential benefits are staggering for the preservation of our planet and the sanity of our collective consciousness.
By reconnecting us with our place in nature, mother aya forces us to confront the absurdity of what we have done with the planet and our lives. It is the absolute ideal medicine for the parasite of consumerism that plagues the planet, and I encourage anyone who has the courage to do so, to see what mother aya has to offer them. She has given me more than I could have ever hoped for.

That being said, if you do decide ayahuasca shamanism may be something you would like to explore personally, please consult me first so I can both find you an authentic and safe place to experience it in, and so I can make sure it is something that is suitable for your situation. The last thing I want is for you to be purging in the jungle high as a kite thinking “What the hell was Casey thinking?!?!”.

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Notable Thoughts:

The antidote to fear is play.
Play is the principle of divine creation, fear is the principle of stagnancy and destruction. When you fear something in your mind’s eye, dare to play with it’s energy and form. You may be surprised to find your fear transformed into another tool in your toolbox.

The arbitrary distinction between external forces and internal forces is the number one downfall of theology.
You choose to identify yourself with a portion of reality that is in constant flux and contains many parts (your body, your mind), and yet you for some reason identify it as internal, as yourself. What you truly are is the fabric of all things, there is no internal or external. 
Is god inside or outside? It is a broken question, things are neither inside nor outside when perceived properly.

One of the biggest issues with the world is that people pursue paths that do not correspond with their inherent gifts and strengths, they try to be good at everything and as a result do a half-ass job at everything.
Fully accept your limitations, embrace your unique strengths.

When inside a problematic state of consciousness, thoughts arising from within that state are very unlikely to deliver you out of that state.

TRUST reality. When you trust reality, you may find most of your problems dissolve. Your primary relationship is with reality, remember that, never forget that.

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April 16th: Sixth Ceremony – Quieting Down

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“He who knows does not speak, he who speaks does not know”

Actually, scratch that old skool Chinese sexist malarkey, I’mma re-write it

“One who knows does not speak, one who speaks does not know”

And, to totally contradict that, as is my nature – Anyone who is interested to learn more about my experiences, or the kinds of energy that Ayahuasca can open you to, please feel free to contact me and I will be happy to speak with you privately. I would be very interested to hear what it is you are seeking ^_^
Or simply read the Tao Te Ching, all that is needed is there.

In not understanding, we finally understand.

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April 10th: Fifth Ceremony – From Heaven To Hell To Compassion, The Rhythm Of My Existence

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Ceremony 5 – San Pedro

Intention: Show me how to be of service to cosmic order/the tao

For my fifth ceremony, I would be drinking San Pedro instead of Ayahuasca. For those not familiar with San Pedro, it’s a South American cactus that’s skin contains the psychoactive compound mescaline. Like Ayahuasca, San Pedro has an extensive history of ceremonial usage among South American tribe, and is similar to the more well known Peyote cactus which shares the same primary psychoactive compound.
San Pedro’s traditional name is Huachuma, the name “San Pedro” came from the conquistadors, and of course means “Saint Peter”. It was given this name because it was observed that by consuming it, one could open the gates of heaven.
Typically the onset of San Pedro is quite long, sometimes taking up to 2 hours to feel the effects. The duration of the experience is generally reported to be around 10 hours, a bit longer than a typical LSD experience.
The active compound in San Pedro, Mescaline, was the catalyst behind the psychonaut classic “The Doors of Perception” by Aldous Huxley. Mescaline was observed by Huxley to have the potential to produce mystical and religious experiences of the variety described by both oriental and occidental wisdom traditions.

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This would be my first time consuming San Pedro or it’s active component mescaline, and I was very excited for it as it had been a strong interest of mine for years. I had heard it had the ability to illuminate the “thing-ness” of things by both Huxley and Thomas Ray, and the essential qualities of the elements of existence has always been a pre-occupation of mine, the character that things hold. Being able to take a perceptual microscope to the character of all things appealed to me greatly.
It is worth noting that San Pedro is also traditionally regarded as a plant teacher, much like ayahuasca and to a somewhat lesser extent psilocybin mushrooms. They have been experienced to hold spirits that have spoken to different people in the same way, with the same teachings. San Pedro, like ayahuasca, is not at all regarded as a drug or a way to have a good time. They are always referred to as spirit medicine or plant teachers.
During the San Pedro ceremonies, they play music on the stereo throughout the day, mostly new agey stuff. It’s much more casual than Ayahuasca ceremonies where the only sound you hear is the Icaros (and intermittent hurling) and you must stay seated in the maloca for the duration of the experience. San Pedro is done in the morning because of the long duration, and you are much more capable of moving around on it than Ayahuasca, so they allow people free reign of the grounds. You can swim, listen to music, etc…

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I had a clear intention for this ceremony, it was “Show me how to be a servant of the cosmic order/greater good/god/whateverthefuckyouknow”. I felt so satisfied and fulfilled by my prior ayahuasca experience, which felt like a full blown mystical experience, it seemed there was nothing left to ask for than instructions on how to extend these experiences to others. Additionally, I felt that it was clear that my purpose in life was to be a healer of some sort, and any deviation from that path in my life has always led to a permeating feeling of apathy.
I wanted to be of service, I felt I had received all I needed for the time being.

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The skin of the cactus was dried and powdered, and we were given water to mix the powder in.
The taste of this stuff is god awful, and what’s worse is the powder does not dissolve well in the water, it creates a sludgy sandy texture that is hard to get down the throat regardless of the taste. Luckily, I was shown how you could mix the powder with just a bit of water and then make little balls out of it, then you could swallow them without having to taste it. It took a long time to make 30 or so little balls and swallow them with water, but it was worth it to avoid that flavor.

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Within about 30 minutes I began to feel the familiar surge of peculiar energy coursing through my body that I feel at the beginning of an experience with psilocybin mushrooms. It is a very common thing for me to be the first one to feel the effects of a psychedelic, as my metabolism is lightning fast. We took the San Pedro at about 9 am, and by 10, I could feel the effects starting to assault my body rapidly. Around this time they began playing music. It was new agey operatic stuff that I found really corny at first, but after a while became almost painfully beautiful.
I was in the main living space with about 5 other people, and as the San Pedro really started taking hold, they all started looking like paintings. They all looked like gods and goddesses, timeless archetypes of pure beauty. The colors of their hair and eyes were piercingly vibrant. It took all of my energy not to shout “DO YOU PEOPLE REALIZE HOW GORGEOUS YOU ARE!?!?!”.

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Soon after it began really kicking in, I had to take a piss, as I consumed a ton of water with the San Pedro. When in the bathroom, the whole “thing-ness” of things phenomenon started to become very apparent to me. A better way of describing this experience I think, would be to say that you experience every thing, every damn thing, as having a spirit. I looked around and everything – my legs, the toilet seat, the wood grain, the roll of toilet paper, etc… had a powerfully distinct presence and spirit to it, everything was teeming with energy. Visually it was dissimilar from something like LSD in that there was no warping or alterations occurring to any of my environment, but rather an extreme sharpening of contrast, vibrancy and character happening to the familiar forms of reality.
When I walked out of the stall outside, it was borderline sensory overload. I was aware of everything around me, thousands of insects, blades of grass, trees, etc…, all having their own unique spirit and feeling.

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This kind of power in your environment can cause you to feel incredibly vulnerable and weak, or at least did in my case. So much energy pouring into your consciousness, made my shell feel so thin. This concerned me, I felt so vulnerable, like my skin could effortlessly be pierced by anything that wanted to. Such sensitivity I have never felt before.
I went back inside and collapsed onto an air-filled bean bag chair thingy, and let all the energy take over me. I remembered a common phrase my therapist used to say “your biggest desire is your greatest fear”. This corresponded with my experience perfectly, as to be that effected by your environment held so much potential for pleasure, and such a feeling of connection, but at the same time, such a vulnerability and susceptibility.
It was the inverse of my derealized state that I had been in for years. I could feel everything so strongly, it pierced through me.
Vulnerability, being so incredibly open, is our greatest desire and greatest fear, much like the concept of “forever”. Both of these can yield the highest heights of pleasure or completely bite you in the ass and destroy you.

I realized I was in a safe space in that chair, and started to relaxed into the vulnerability, I let the energy do whatever it was going to do to me. I experienced incredible pleasure from this, to be comfortable in such vulnerability was ecstasy. I sat in the chair letting the operatic music overtake me, and I laughed in ecstasy. One of my buddies joked around this time “Did they give Casey San Pedro or Heroin?”, which was of course hilarious to me at the time.
Soon after, they put on Dark Side of the Moon, and I decided to go outside and lay on the grass. I abided in this feeling of vulnerability, and let the music become me. When “The Great Gig in the Sky” came on, I experienced what I remember thinking was the peak moment of physical pleasure in my life thus far. When this song was playing, it felt like I was being fucked by the universe, in the best way possible. It was very much an experience of being completely and entirely absorbed into the song, and becoming it. That song had always sort of sounded like some sort of crazy cosmic orgasms to me, in the past. It was definitely a sensation I had never felt anything close to before, it very much felt like cosmic sexuality, doesn’t get much more new-agey than this folks….
When this song died down, the trip began to change character.

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I got up from my place on the grass and started walking around. I talked to a few people and the consensus was “I don’t know how I feel”, a very common theme with high-dose psychedelics. It was clear everyone was very effected and trying to not let things get out of hand, I could see the worry in many people’s eyes.
Around this time is when the confusion and disorientated feelings started setting in, I realized my rational mind was going to be taking backseat soon and I would need to let it go, never the easiest feat for me to pull off. My ability to think conventionally started to deteriorate, and I had to accept that the character of the trip was complete confusion at this point and there was nothing I could do to change it. I went across the pond to where most people were staying, and it was clear everyone felt overwhelmed but were trying to hold things under control. There were a lot of jerky movements and I could feel some paranoia in the air. It seemed to me that people were insecure about letting on how disoriented and effected by the medicine they were and tried to cover it up with small talk.

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I went to the house where they serve food and there were just a couple people there. A buddy of mine started talking to me about this book he was looking at that had really crazy psychedelic artwork, and it turned out to be the one book I had brought to the center, out of 100+ possible choices, which was sorta crazy.
At that time, I perceived him as talking 500x faster than any human being ever should, I kept saying “sorry man but words, words are opening up worlds for me right now, too much to process”. He would say “oh that’s cool, that’s cool man. Sorry I’m just really high”.
I was happy to then see the owner, at that time. He asked me “how are you feeling”, I told him “a lot of confusion”. He smiled and said “that’s alright, there’s probably something to learn there”.

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I couldn’t handle the social environment anymore, it felt to me like everyone was trying to put on masks and cover up their vulnerability, and it felt really draining to feel all that repressed energy around me. Of course, as I was tripping pretty hard at this point, this all could have entirely been a reflection of my state of consciousness at the time.
I decided to go to the maloca where we have our ayahuasca ceremonies, and spend some time working on my demons, my issues with interpersonal dynamics, social environments, ego games, etc…
As I was walking back towards the maloca, they started to play Jack Johnson. For those who don’t know, I abhor Jack Johnson, and there is little that could trigger me into a darker place than his music (may seem strange I know…). For me he is associated as a symbol of the mentality of covering up all difficulties and pretending they aren’t there, sweeping them under the rug, not acknowledging and responsibly dealing with your own and other people’s suffering. In short, superficial, masks, chickening out, hiding from problems, etc…
I’m well aware this is entirely my own bias and there are innumerable ways to perceive his music and associations to draw from it, but, that’s my association. I was actually thankful for the opportunity to work with that side of my personality though, and knew I was entering the dark and difficult side of the trip.

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When I got to the maloca, my body temperature started sky rocketing. I was sweating profusely and it felt like I was in a desert, it came upon me quickly out of nowhere. Extremely sharp stabbing pains started shooting through my body, like daggers of sand. It felt clear that something needed to come out of my body.
I sat down in the maloca in lotus position and placed a puke bucket in front of me, hoping I could release something. I remembered my intention and meditated on it, “show me how to be a servant of the cosmic order”. I waited and waited for something to come, sitting in agony sweating and having sharp pains through my body. I did my best to sit in thankfulness throughout, knowing this would yield some answers to my intention in time.
Sure enough it did, I realized where my unique talents lied and how I could be of service. Because of how fast I tend to move through experiences, I experience the poles of existence and moving back and forth between them much more frequently than most – as anyone who has been reading these ceremonies has probably noticed. Because I move from heaven and hell so frequently and quickly, I am given lots of opportunities to cultivate an understanding of the dynamics and recognize the common patterns that tend to be present in the swings of the existential pendulum. As well as a chance to cultivate the ability to remain grounded throughout these inevitable swings, to see the humor in everything, and most of all recognize that all things always change, even in the pits of hell.
I saw this being my gift as a potential healer, to fully and experientially understand the pain of those who are going through hell because I have experienced it so many times, and because of the repetition been given the opportunity to see through the illusion. As I have said many times, suffering is my greatest teacher.
The more you do anything, the better you are at it. I have become my strongest and most grounded in hellish states because of being able to easily see it’s transient nature. It has given me the gift of having no fear left in me.
I am not scared of or averse to those who are in hellish states, as many people who have not seen those states themselves might be. I understand why they act as they do and I can see that it will not last, that it is all an illusion that in time they will see through, everyone functions at different speeds and intervals. Time is arbitrary, the ultimate trickster.

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I felt something akin to that scene in “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” where The Grinch decides to ditch his curmudgeonly ways to save Christmas. “And his heart grew the size of 10 grinches!”.
I felt so much compassion grow inside of me for those in pain, I felt my life’s purpose to help those who have lost their way, who are hopeless, as I have felt so many times (and likely will again, who ever knows). The sharp pains still shot through my body, but I realized this was exactly what I asked for. I wanted to understand experientially the intense pain of others, so that I could work to see through it, see the humor in all things. That is how I could serve the cosmic order.

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There was an old French man, who started making his rounds to the maloca and back as well. He was wrapped in a sheet and naked underneath it, he was clearly dealing with purging some very painful things and feeling very alone and hopeless.
I was so happy to be with him in this time, he clearly needed some reassurance that he was not the only one going through agonizing feelings. I talked with him about some issues with his mother, I showed him how I was feeling agony as well but that it would all soon pass and we would both feel the fruits of coming out of a bad trip, the contrast of returning to a more stable and easily navigated state of consciousness.
I felt incredibly fulfilled, there was nowhere in the world I would rather be at that moment than helping him purge his demons, I felt a feeling of purpose to my life like I hadn’t in a very long time.
He would make his rounds and come back to the maloca periodically, he was in a state of panic, he was missing the key ingredient to remaining grounded in hellish experiences – trust in the order of the universe, something I had been reassured of in my prior ayahuasca session. I trusted what was happening, and was thankful for the opportunity. Regardless of whether or not these feelings of trust and faith have any validity in terms of being warranted, they can act as remedies that assuage anxiety and panic that would otherwise amplify the pain.

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After I puked out the majority of my pain, I made my way back to the main house. Throughout this whole experience, I would periodically hear someone scream in terror, sometimes disoriented to the point they had forgotten where they were. This created a lot of tension amongst the group, understandably. It didn’t concern me after my puking sessions though, I had purged my fear and trusted the medicine, and was ready to be of service for those in need.
I looked at the clock, it was 6 pm. I had been purging my demons in the maloca for around 5 hours. Time had absolutely no meaning on San Pedro, it did not progress conventionally by any means, it was utterly arbitrary.

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In the following 7 hours, everyone came together in the maloca to help eachother through their difficulties. Primarily, the youth came to the aid of the elderly, who were having the most difficult time of it by far. I saw some very intense demons come out of these old folks, stuff that had probably been accumulating for many years if not decades, so it’s hold became that much stronger. They were helpless to the onslaught of negative energy being pulled out of their system by San Pedro.
One of the old men had it the hardest by a long shot, he growled and screamed as this energy came pouring out of him. It ended up looking much like an exorcism. He kept saying “I have never felt this way in my life”.
He was still there behind the pain, a poor victim to his own demons and fears. His body was overheating so I would periodically pour cold water over him, and help him to the bathroom.

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I spent the following 6 hours or so helping three of the old men through their painful journeys, the fact that I had gone through my own hell earlier that day was of immense help for me understanding what they were going through, and knowing what to say to help them through it. Without experiential knowledge, it is very hard to be of real service, speculation can only go so far towards understanding.
I made my rounds and prepared tea for everyone, making sure everyone was taken care of. There was nowhere I would rather be in those moments, I felt entirely fulfilled, complete. I would rather be preparing tea for these old tortured souls than on any beach, on any cruise, in any club, or whatever we seem to be told that we desire. This was real satisfaction, giving love to those who felt they had nothing left, overwhelmed by the horrors of their own psyche.

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April 6th: Fourth Ceremony – Purging The Parasite

For anyone reading the writings to come, please keep in mind this is an entirely phenomenological and subjective revealing of my experience with ayahuasca. I have not altered the terminology or content to better appeal to the current paradigm of knowing, nor have I altered it to fit my own usual system of understanding. This is how the medicine spoke to me, and I feel it is best to present it in it’s original forms that solidified in my consciousness over the course of time I spent with the medicine.
 
Any judgement, criticism of use of terminology, or skepticism is welcomed and entirely understood. The path of the skeptic is a good one, one of the most difficult ones with the most integrity. I admire the skeptic and welcome their objections to the beliefs presented here. However, I feel the expansion of modes of knowing is the best path to clarity, so I will make no effort to try to reframe the information passed to me into any particular mode of knowing. The mode of knowing it came to me in is essential to the information imparted. To reframe it into a scientific, pagan, astrological, Buddhist, etc… Mode of knowing would be to lose it’s essential nature.
 
With that, I hope you find something in these writings that connects you with your truth.
 
 

 
Ceremony 4
 
Intention: Open me to the energy of this world
 
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The evening of this ceremony, before I even dosed, mother ayahuasca began talking to me, starting a dialogue in regards to my intention for the night. She told me “For me to open you, you will have to trust me entirely, relinquish all control”. I immediately realized that pure impenetrable trust in something and that kind of surrender was the hardest thing I could possibly do. Even so, I understood why it had to be done, there was no way around it. I told I would, I did trust her.
She told me she worked for god, and that I must trust in it. In future ceremonies I would fully realize my own understanding of what god is, but at this time, I was very uncomfortable with her using that terminology as it was not part of my usual metaphorical repertoire.
From my 8th ceremony: 
God is the attractor within yourself that pulls you through all your experiences, pulls you towards itself and makes you learn who are you, to eventually realize yourself to be it. Fear is a tool to that must be used to become at peace with all aspects of yourself (god, the all). You may take as long as you like to reach the point of unity and acceptance of all things, it makes no difference, time is an illusion and there are only arbitrary intervals.
I prepared myself for complete surrender and unshakable trust in the experience, no matter what happened.
 
ImageWhen the medicine started kicking in, I became very ill again, but it was very different this time, I had absolutely no fear left inside of me. I trusted what was happening with the entirety of my being.
I saw a green rod shoot up through the center of my body, I looked inside of my stomach and saw a cute and spunky little elf woman peeking her head out from inside of the green rod, she winked at me. I swear to god this whole bit was so cartoonish it was ridiculous.
My body felt incredibly sick, barrages of belches yet again. When I looked inside my stomach again I saw hundreds of these cute little green elf women kicking ass and taking names against the parasites in my stomach, roundhouse kicks and the whole bit. Soooo fucking cartoony I could hardly believe the silliness of what I was experiencing.
 
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I hurled violently at this point, and felt considerably less physically ill. This large release of the energy held in my body, sent the trip completely out of my body and entirely into my mind, I was no longer aware of my body at all. The number of dimensions started multiplying rapidly, potential perceptions, new qualities of being, things of a nature I cannot come close to describing, etc…
It accelerated more and more rapidly and I struggled trying to keep up, it was an enormous toll on my mind. It became clear that this experience was accelerating past the point that my rational mind could make any level of sense out of it, it was too expansive and bizarre.
 
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While this was happening, in the back of my mind I had a vision. It was a phallic, mushroom cap-esque rocket, that’s head was growing bigger and bigger and turning more and more red as these dimensions multiplied. More dimensions assaulted me, I felt like I needed something to hold on to and was flying off the rails of sanity. “You move much to fast” aya said, “Slow down”.
She began to take over everything at this point, and I saw what looked like my DNA running with swirls of red and black, slowly turning to green. My energy began shifting entirely, mother ayahuasca had a tighter hold on my being than in any prior experience.
“You have to trust me” she said, and with the following thought, the head of the rocket in my vision burst.
 
When you form a thought, it puts you in a place, a place conditioned by temporality.
Hell is a place, hell is a time. Heaven is everywhere, or everyplace. Because it is everywhere, it is not a place. 
Heaven is no time, heaven is always now.
Fear is the only enemy.
(“Hell” in this musing is used as a descriptor for a mode of being and experiencing, rather than a quality of the present state. One could say, “so I’m in hell when I am on the beach with palms trees on a sunny day, because it is a place?”. Hell is a strong word but is the one I was given, and potentially yes depending on how you are perceiving it. Even though the present moment is pleasurable, you are still in the mode of being of what that night was labelled “hell”. This is very very much akin to the Buddhist term “Samsara”)
 
ImageMy mind vanished, and I became absorbed in the Icaros (songs of healing sung by the shaman).
Oceans of bliss erupted into me. I blacked out a good portion of this experience, I think it was too far removed from this realm to be taken back into it, as often occurs with dreams that are sufficiently otherworldly in nature. I remember mythological symbols and surprisingly familiar and indescribable feelings. 
I then realized that as a being I was satisfied with very little, and that the vast majority of my depression was due to the feeling of alienation that comes from dissimilarity to others. I didn’t desire the same things, I could never see the point in chasing pleasurable and impermanent experiences.
 
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The next thing I remember is looking up at the ceiling of the maloca, it was covered in eyes, pretty much exactly like “collective vision” by Alex Grey. Then I looked down and around the walls of the maloca, and snakes started pouring in from the walls and went to the middle of the maloca. They started to boogie down to the Icaros in the stereotypical snake-like fashion. I joined them in the center, and swayed my head side to side like a snake, diggin’ on the Icaros.
This snake dance, twisting side to side endlessly, seemed to be the perfect symbol, the perfect expression of the eternal truth that all things must always change. The dance was so much more communicative than words could ever be, it was a living metaphor, a sentiment that expressed the reality of all process. The dance could slow down or speed up, but it would always be moving, unendingly.
 
ImageAfter this experience lasted a while, being absorbed in the Icaros and boogeying down, I asked mother ayahuasca to please stop the trip. As blissful as it felt, it seemed more important to remember the earlier parts of the trip and more information would make me forget important stuff.
It slowed considerably for the next 2 hours or so, but continued at a lower intensity. I abided in the feeling of all things changing, even my ideas of what change is and what anything is.
 
Image“Gracias, muchas gracias mi madre”
 
Notable Thoughts:

When you fully clear the energetic pathways, everything is a drug.
There is no need to consume drugs because every element of reality releases copious amounts of endogenous drugs.

Bliss and agony, these are your tools you must use
Flow along my friends, all things change, yes indeed they do

Two days later, it seems to have healed my digestive issues and stomach pains, ones that I have had for years.

Ayahuasca gave me a title for a future art/music project: Anarchist Of Thought

 
ImageVisuals: this ceremony easily had the most visions as of yet, there was a pretty constant feed of visual information throughout the
experience that I could tune into and manifest when it felt useful

Moods: overwhelmed, expansion, release, mystical state, acceptance, embracing the flow, bliss

Purge: some belches in the beginning, then a fairly substantial hurling session, after which my body felt incredible and for the first time I stopped belching entirely and could relax my body into dancing to the Icaros.

 
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April 4th: Third Ceremony – The Dark Night Of The Soul

For anyone reading the writings to come, please keep in mind this is an entirely phenomenological and subjective revealing of my experience with ayahuasca. I have not altered the terminology or content to better appeal to the current paradigm of knowing, nor have I altered it to fit my own usual system of understanding. This is how the medicine spoke to me, and I feel it is best to present it in it’s original forms that solidified in my consciousness over the course of time I spent with the medicine.
 
Any judgement, criticism of use of terminology, or skepticism is welcomed and entirely understood. The path of the skeptic is a good one, one of the most difficult ones with the most integrity. I admire the skeptic and welcome their objections to the beliefs presented here. However, I feel the expansion of modes of knowing is the best path to clarity, so I will make no effort to try to reframe the information passed to me into any particular mode of knowing. The mode of knowing it came to me in is essential to the information imparted. To reframe it into a scientific, pagan, astrological, Buddhist, etc… Mode of knowing would be to lose it’s essential nature.
 
With that, I hope you find something in these writings that connects you with your truth.
 

 
The entirety of this experience had incredible correlations with a song that I wrote before I left for Peru, called Avidya (Buddhist term for ignorance of the truth of the reality of things). The song was written as a sort of musical purgative, as I was struggling with derealization. My hope was that it may be inspiring for others struggling with depression, and provide some catharsis.
Here is that track:
 
Ceremony 3
 
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Intention: Heal the bad energy in my second chakra, give me protective forces from the negative energy of others to help me deal with my empathy
 
Earlier on the day of the ceremony, I discussed with J my difficulties in the previous session and that I may go so far off the deep end in the coming ceremonies that I would not be able to help with the work duties, so we decided it may be best for me to sit this ceremony out. I was still processing a lot of information from the prior session and felt very clearly that the next session could be earth shatteringly powerful.
However later on that day, without much thinking, I very quickly decided it was the right things for me to drink that night, it seemed completely clear that it was important. J approved of the decision as well, as he had a great respect for following your intuition on these matters.
I had some difficulty deciding my intention for the coming ceremony this time, there was clearly a lot that needed to be worked on from the information I received in the prior ceremony. I was split between “give me protective forces from the negative energy of others” and “heal the pain in my second chakra and digestive issues”. At first I decided on the latter, but once we gathered to begin ceremony, I ended up focusing my intent on the former. I had spent a lot of time with the ayahuasca vine that day meditating on the healing process.
 
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When I was called up for my dose J asked what amount I would like, and quite surprisingly to myself, I asked for a very large serving, much larger than the previous sessions. It was almost as if it wasn’t myself who decided on the amount, as my ego was undoubtedly frightened at what such a large dose might yield, my prior session on a smaller dosage was difficult enough. But, it seemed that for this session I was going to need a very intense experience to get deep enough to uproot some of the deeper tensions inside of my body/mind system, and there was no way around it, I drank a very large dose of the foul tasting brew.
As it was coming on, I focused very strongly on needing a protective spirit, however once the medicine kicked in, it was clear it would be working on the parasite in my second chakra. My initial feeling that healing the second chakra was more important and urgent was correct, so the medicine started attacking that quickly. As I’ve said, mamma knows best and she doesn’t fuck around, it didn’t matter that my ego wanted a break from the intense work that had to be done on healing the second chakra, that is what needed to be done.
 
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I quickly fell into a similar state as my last ceremony, but amplified tenfold, my body was sicker than I have ever felt in my life. The painfully tight ball of energy in my abdomen was being pulled apart slowly, it had been tightened more and more over years of repression, there was a lot of work that needed to be done to loosen this up and release the pain.
I soon vomited, but after vomiting this time it began getting much worse and much much stronger and more disorienting of a trip. I realized the parasite was moving up and out of my abdomen and taking stronger hold over my body and mind. I couldn’t trust my thoughts, anything I felt wanted was really not good for me because it could trick me into thinking it’s thoughts were my own, but they weren’t. This is very hard to describe to someone who has not had this experience, I ultimately do not believe in dualities of any kind, but the subjective experience of feeling that the thoughts moving through your awareness are actually detrimental to your well-being and not really substantially *you*, can be quite a shocker. If I felt tired and weak like I should lie down, I knew I shouldn’t. If I felt hopeless, I knew I shouldn’t feed it. All of the inclinations I was pulled to were feelings of defeat, but I could recognize them as not me, that they were coming from this ball of stored agony being held in my abdomen. It felt like being over taken by a parasite trying to destroy my spirit, this is how it appeared subjectively. How I would actually classify this experience in retrospect, is an entirely different story. These writings are here for the purpose of conveying the experiences I had as authentically as possible, not drawing conclusions or meaning from them.
There is a song I wrote a long time ago, and recorded a very very lo-fi demo of, that is the perfect sonic expression of what this parasite in my abdomen felt like. At the time I didn’t entirely apprehend that’s what I was expressing, but in retrospect I realize I was expressing this tightening stabbing pain of depression that was held in my second chakra. This song was attempt at doing Black Metal, here it is for those interested in some super lo-fi black metal:
 
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This was hell, hell beyond anything ever possibly accessible or conceivable in a normal human state, I never knew such things could exist. It was very clear that to be confronted by this parasite was absolutely horrific, but the ultimate hell would be to become it. It pounded into my thought processes and I used all the energy I could to meditate on protective forces, I needed protective forces, taking this thing on myself was of no use, it had too much hold on me.
I belched constantly, rapid barrages of gas shot out of me uncontrollably. It felt like many hours passed by going through this hell, though I imagine in reality it was less than an hour’s time. There were absolutely no visuals in this state, it spoke a different language, of depression, isolation, and desperation.
Even through all of these moments of pure hell, I regularly said softly to myself “gracias, muchas gracias mi madre”. I knew this parasite was being pushed out of me and stayed with my gratefulness for mother ayahuasca, it was the only thing that gave me the strength to move through this.
 
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I saw a quick visual, the spirit of ayahuasca spinning and throwing fruits towards me. It said “I can work with you, you are too hard on yourself”. In the mix of fruits, I spontaneously zoomed into a bunch of blueberries, the color blue was so beautiful and healing, I began crying uncontrollably. I saw my heart and I sobbed, I loved myself like I never had before. I realized how awful I had always thought I was and that is wasn’t me but this parasite inside of me that caused it. I realized there was no one in the universe I loved more than myself, but in these moments I felt outside of my usual self, occupying a more eternal and wise awareness that could see things without my usual level of criticism and perfectionism.
That is when I saw my past life, and that my previous life was in a hell realm, that I was still fighting my way out of it. The parasite was carried over into this life from birth, and had always been the source of my terrible stomach issues ever since I was a baby.
 
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Around this time, my protective force came, only for a moment as a reassuring reminder that I was safe and being looked after. It was a big furry brown bear, sort of like smokey. He was so mild and gentle, furry and warm. He was the opposite of the cutting intensity of the parasite, he could protect me from what I could not myself when I was too overwhelmed by the hold of the parasite.
Unfortunately, this was only a glimpse, it wasn’t long until the parasite started fighting back harder and my belching became uncontrollably ridiculous sounding. I began to panic, but because of my meditation practice, I could still recognize the sensation of panic and see it as transient thing.
However, I didn’t know what to do, I felt this thing wanted to kill me. It would tell me to drown myself in the pond, or do other self destructive things, it was composed of all of the self loathing and hatred I had inside of me, presented to me in the form of an entity.
I already knew it’s name from the previous ceremony, “Forever”. As such, it’s main spiel was “it’s NEVER going to stop! It’s NEVER going to fucking stop!”. Luckily I knew that to be utter malarky from my deep intrinsic connection to Buddhism, all is Anicca.
 
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This pushed me to the point where I really felt that I may need help, I made it over to J’s place but he was absent. A Peruvian man soon approached me, I asked him for J and he went to get him. Then he stayed with me for a while, I sat at his knees crying and feeling as helpless as I have ever been, complete and utter surrender.
J came and we went outside, I told him I had no idea what to do, I felt trapped in hell. He told me it was best to stay seated and anchor my attention to the shaman’s Icaros, and that I would vomit when I was ready to.
J’s presence was so beautiful, so comforting, I didn’t want to leave him but I knew what he suggested was best. He said “it’s just ayahuasca”, and I smiled, I found some much needed humor in that somehow.
 
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I returned to my seat, the pain continued as strong as before but something had changed, I felt strengthened, I didn’t feel subservient to it anymore, even it still hurt just as much. Fernando (the shaman) made his way over to me with his chacapa and started singing to me. I belched intensely, even more so than before.
I realized I would need to shit, and I made my way cautiously to the toilet. The surrounding jungle was neither comforting nor disturbing, simply mysterious. Throughout this entire experience, all the terror and pain was coming energetically from inside me, and all external things felt either benign or comforting.
I closed the toilet stall and looked down at my belly, it was ENORMOUS, it expanded past the point I thought was possible, especially as I am a very skinny man. I began to experience what felt akin to the pains of childbirth more intensely than last time, pushing with all my beaten down energy into waves of pain, pushing harder and harder far beyond the point that seemed possible, a kind of transcendent pain. 
This was the dark night of the soul on the hero’s journey, and anyone who is familiar with the work of Joseph Campbell’s accounts of mythological congruity will know what I’m talking about. All major mythologies are built on this theme of the Hero’s Journey, with various components. These themes are ubiquitous throughout life everywhere, I highly suggest checking out “The Hero with 1000 Faces” by Campbell if these ideas interest you.
 
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I was constipated beyond belief, I needed desperately to get this shit out. I pushed and pushed, and belched and belched. Liquid shit began pouring out of me, the most putrid smelling thing I have ever, ever smelled. I rejoiced “gracias, muchas gracias mi madre”, for getting some of it out.
This process went on for quite some time, the ceremony had ended by now, but I was still purging and feeling the medicine very strongly and was stuck on the toilet with a circus of crazy psychedelic energy in my stomach.
At this point, is where it got really interesting. My shorts on the floor of the toilet stall became a cobra’s head, and it began telling me things about why this was happening and who I am. It first reminded me/showed me memories of Bhante Seeladassana, the monk I had been good friends with in Sri Lanka, he insisted that he knew I was a bodhisattva, though at the time I thought it was BS and it bothered me that he insisted on it so strongly. (A bodhisattva is one who reaches nirvana – full liberation from suffering, but vows to return to the cycle of birth and death until all sentient beings are liberated.)
The cobra said “you see, you’ve been through all of this before”, and with this I felt entirely outside of time, in eternity. I saw what an ancient soul I was, that I had travelled through the rounds of heaven and hell innumerable times before. With this realization of how many times this had happened before, I was no longer worried about anything, all worry left me, I saw beyond the illusion to my true self. There was no fear that could take hold of me because I could see the impermanence of all things, and that at varying arbitrary intervals all things would return to the embrace of the one.
“Gracias, muchas gracias mi madre”.
 
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I continued shitting liquid there until about 4 in the morning. I left the stall to wash my hands and looked in the mirror (ambitious I know), the parasite was still there but being sucked away. The parasite is still inside, but he is weak, desperate, pathetic. I am stronger than he is, I have love in my life, and protective forces.
I walked outside and many coiling snakes could be seen in most plants surrounding me (visions, not actual), throughout all of these ceremonies, snakes had an intrinsically comforting quality when they were in my visions. I went into the maloca to sleep for about two hours. When I awoke there was an enormous downpour, and I woke with a smile planted on my face. The world was alive and bursting with energy, it would help me in the quest against my demons.
 
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It is now the next day and I am surprisingly alert. My energy and mood are uplifted and euphoric, I can see the energy behind all form. I know what foods I need, boiled carrots, milk and almonds. However, these are not available so today I fast, I am drinking lots of tea and nothing more, it is helping more purge move along. I feel physically incredible, open to all the energy of the world.
Synchronicities abound, I listen to music and all the lyrics describe all my experiences in the past 24 hours, my mind is making connections between all things.
 
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Visuals: Almost completely absent, this experience was about my feelings of isolation and fear so it did not offer visuals as a distraction from the work that needed to be done. The most striking and vivid vision was that of my protector spirit, a big brown fuzzy bear
 
Moods: Hopeless, deathly sick, terrified, out of control
 
Purge: Only a small amount of vomit, tons of belches still and lots of diarrhea after the ceremony completed
 
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April 2nd: Second Ceremony – Locating The Parasite

For anyone reading the writings to come, please keep in mind this is an entirely phenomenological and subjective revealing of my experience with ayahuasca. I have not altered the terminology or content to better appeal to the current paradigm of knowing, nor have I altered it to fit my own usual system of understanding. This is how the medicine spoke to me, and I feel it is best to present it in it’s original forms that solidified in my consciousness over the course of time I spent with the medicine.

Any judgement, criticism of use of terminology, or skepticism is welcomed and entirely understood. The path of the skeptic is a good one, one of the most difficult ones with the most integrity. I admire the skeptic and welcome their objections to the beliefs presented here. However, I feel the expansion of modes of knowing is the best path to clarity, so I will make no effort to try to reframe the information passed to me into any particular mode of knowing. The mode of knowing it came to me in is essential to the information imparted. To reframe it into a scientific, pagan, astrological, Buddhist, etc… Mode of knowing would be to lose it’s essential nature.

With that, I hope you find something in these writings that connects you with your truth.

 

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Ceremony 2

Intention: Show me my childhood, heal that which tore me away from who I am

And so the pendulum swings…
I spoke with Jim the day before this ceremony, and we discussed my various difficulties in life, primarily derealization and hyper sensitivity. The dance between these two extremes has been the crux of my emotional life since adolescence.
He found it of great significance that I could not remember anything prior to age 14, and suggested that for the coming ceremony my intention should be for Ayahuasca to heal whatever was blocking me from my memories. He thought it likely that was where I would find the catalyst to my derealized state.

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I took a higher dose this time, and as the experience was coming up, my intention ended up coming out as “heal that which tore me away from who I am”. Once ayahuasca is taking hold of you, from my experience your intention tends to morph into exactly what is most important and needs healing, and any effort to try and structure your intention precisely is completely out the window. Mama is in charge now, and mama knows best. You can guide the direction of the intention, but only very generally. It’s sort of like you can choose the genre but not the movie.
As the experience started coming on stronger, I felt that the medicine had pinpointed excactly where my fear was, I recall thinking “ah yes, there is my fear”. Many disturbingly bizarre and confusing images flashed through my mind, but ultimately I knew what was happening and wasn’t shaken by them, practice makes perfect like with anything else and my prior psychedelic experiences most definitely helped with navigating every one of these ceremonies. Instead I focused on the energy inside my body, it was clear I was becoming overwhelming sick throughout my entire being.

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I eventually noticed that all of the sickness throughout my body was originating in this tight stabbing energy ball inside of my lower abdomen (2nd chakra). I asked ayahuasca what this was and a flood of memories from my childhood came. I fully apprehended how empathetic I have always been, and how much pain around me there had been in my childhood. Even though I was not often causing the pain, I was tortured by it, I was helpless to stop it.
I looked into my abdomen and saw a parasite, this tight ball of energetic pain had been fucking up my digestive system and causing it to be dysfunctional for most of my life.
I wanted nothing more than to puke this thing out of me, but it just would not come. The overwhelming sickness continued and barrages of belches exploded out of me like gunfire. However I did not feel hopeless at all, I took to heart what Jim and the Shaman had told me, I trusted the medicine and trusted what it was doing, I was fully prepared to ride this shit out.

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The sickness continued for hours, spasms of dark energy moved through me.
“I found you, you little shit, you’ve been hiding in my gut for years trying to destroy me and my ability to feel pleasure. You can make me suffer but you can’t pull me down muthafuck, I will push you out of my system.”
One of the conclusions I came to from this experience, was that individuals are like fish in water in regards to feeling their own energy. Everyone is walking around inside of their own unique energy all of the time, so they fail to recognize how it actually feels and where the issues are, the are so habituated to it. You have to be so ripped outside of your body to gain the ability to look at it and actually perceive all of the tensions and pains that are in many cases persistent through most of your day to day life. One of the reasons I had been in a state of derealization and anhedonia, was due to that my body was actually in chronic pain. Not to the level of hospitalization of course, but there was a tremendous amount of tension that was being held in my gut all of the time. I couldn’t notice this tension and pain because of having been so habituated to it, I had to be removed from myself to see it and play doctor. All of this painful energy in my gut was disabling my body from feeling pleasure under most circumstances. It’s a hard thing to actually describe though, because this “energy” in my gut was not just a physical thing, it was directly associated with memories and feelings, it’s more like it was a center of fear that resulted in tensions in that location.
I ended up intuitively using acupressure throughout a lot of this process, this is a practice I have no experience with at all, but ayahuasca would guide me where I needed to place pressure and when.
(Also keep in mind, in these writings I will often use a dualism to describe energies or spirits that I am dealing with. This is simply for the purpose of functionality and was the best way to interface with what was happening in that state. I don’t actually believe there was a parasite or demon in my gut that was some outside force, I simply used that way of looking at it to move it out of me. Ultimately I believe in no dualisms, all is energy and consciousness playing with itself.)

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After some time, many images of John Lennon came into my mind out of nowhere, I felt an incredibly strong resonance with him. It felt as if he was some sort of protective spirit or even a past life of mine, however you can’t really make heads or tails of things inside of these states.
Eventually I made my way to the toilet, I was very shaky on my feet but managed to make it there, though it felt like a pretty difficult journey.
I spent a couple of hours on the crapper praying I could shit this thing out but nothing came. I felt a huge expanding energy inside my stomach, I pushed with all my might into waves of sharp pains to try and get it out. It felt like I was giving birth, it was incredibly intense. Complete physical agony, pushing and pushing into the pain past the point I thought I was capable of. I wasn’t in control of it though, it had to happen.
After some time of this, visions started to form on the walls of the stall. I first saw swarms of sperm making their way to an egg on the floor, the theme of birth was getting more and more pronounced. The quality of these visions was very strangely comforting, I felt a spirit behind the visions, like an artist who was working to communicate with me through their artwork.
When that subsided, I saw some groups of snakes move towards the center of the stall and coil together, this was somehow incredibly comforting and reassuring at the time.
I looked up from the floor and discovered the walls were covered in images of old native people, landscapes, and civilizations. These visions were gorgeous and possessed qualities I had never felt before, I felt like I was slipping through time into something very ancient.

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The next vision that came before me was strange and beautiful vision, much more vivid than the rest. Now be patient because this sounds awful at first.
Imagine a shot of the shore taken from a beach, this is the shore of a sea filled with many varieties of feces, blood and rotting insects. Coming out of this sea is me and someone else who will remain nameless, we are covered up to our cheeks in these feces, blood and rotting insects. But, we have our arms up in the grasping eachother’s hands and they are perfectly clean. Above our hands is the word “Love” and a beautiful sky behind it.
This vision was communicating to me that love would pull me through this experience of hell, ayahuasca was reassuring me that all of this agonizing pain would not last, that it could not last. I felt entirely reassured of my purpose being here working with the medicine, and knew this pain was worth it, that it was what needed to happen, and that love would pull me through it. I completely surrendered to the pain, and liquid shit began pouring out of me, it smelled more foul than anything I have ever smelled (sounds nice, right?).

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After this I made my way back to the maloka, still feeling very physically ill but spiritually much more uplifted. They soon announced the end of the ceremony after I returned. However I was still very effected by the medicine and very physically ill.
After about a half hour maloka belching, I made my way back to the toilet and began the process of shitting large amounts of liquid for most of the rest of the night, maybe 3 hours or so. With all of the images of John Lennon as a theme, I was strongly pulled to listen to “across the universe”. I did so and it was a profoundly beautiful experience, I felt such a strong resonance with John, like I could feel exactly what he was feeling when he wrote that song.
I only slept about a half hour that night.

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It is the next day and I am very alert and energetic which is very unusual for me considering my lack of sleep. What’s more is I am in a very altered state for the whole day. I am seeing auras around many things and the energy inside everything becomes vibrant and charged with character when I focus strongly on it, it is a very psychedelic and colorful state for the whole day but mild enough to still function.
That being said, the demon in my gut is still present. Now that I have become fully aware of it’s presence I will easily be able to tell when it has been removed.

Notable thoughts:

Sometimes you just gotta get down on your haunches and DROP THAT TURD (this thought was being said in Terence McKenna’s voice in my mind and served as a form of comfort and humor that helped me through some of the more difficult points in the ceremony)

Spirits speak the language of becoming.
What I mean by this is, we communicate inside of this additional dimension of conception that exists apart from what we generally perceive as our core selves. However, I perceived that the way spirits communicate is by actually *becoming* what they mean to communicate, rather than using a separate domain for language that exists apart from what they are. This is a bit like how Terence describes the communication between Octopi.

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Visuals: no visuals for the vast majority of the experience, frightening images in the beginning and a short, maybe 20 minute period of gorgeous visions of ancient cultures, snakes, and sperm around the 4 hour mark.

Moods: very physically ill, sorrow, sadness, nostalgic, sympathetic, dying, occasionally seeing the hilarity in it all

Purge: no vomit, barrages of relentless belching, tons of liquid shit after the ceremony

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March 31st: First Ceremony – Reclaiming My Spirit

For anyone reading the writings to come, please keep in mind this is an entirely phenomenological and subjective revealing of my experience with ayahuasca. I have not altered the terminology or content to better appeal to the current paradigm of knowing, nor have I altered it to fit my own usual system of understanding. This is how the medicine spoke to me, and I feel it is best to present it in it’s original forms that solidified in my consciousness over the course of time I spent with the medicine.
 
Any judgement, criticism of use of terminology, or skepticism is welcomed and entirely understood. The path of the skeptic is a good one, one of the most difficult ones with the most integrity. I admire the skeptic and welcome their objections to the beliefs presented here. However, I feel the expansion of modes of knowing is the best path to clarity, so I will make no effort to try to reframe the information passed to me into any particular mode of knowing. The mode of knowing it came to me in is essential to the information imparted. To reframe it into a scientific, pagan, astrological, Buddhist, etc… Mode of knowing would be to lose it’s essential nature.
 
With that, I hope you find something in these writings that connects you with your truth.
 
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Ceremony 1
 
Intention: Connect me with my unique energy, show me my purpose
(It is common in ayahuasca circles to go into the ceremonies with an intention in mind, what you wish to learn from the experience. It could be healing a particular part of yourself, opening to the spiritual realms or dimensions, acquiring protection, etc…)
 
The day of this ceremony, I was quite ill, my body was having trouble adapting to the sweltering new climate and foods. I had a bit of a fever, very upset stomach, diarrhea, and felt very physically weak. I had some concerns about drinking ayahuasca that evening and consulted Jim about how I was feeling. He said it was entirely up to me if I wanted to drink or not, but that ayahuasqueros would always say to drink, actually even more so if you were somewhat under the weather. It is after all, a medicine, and a very powerful one at that.
I found out that night that one of the workers at the center who doesn’t normally drink was doing so that night because she was trying to get rid of a sickness herself. So I decided to drink, and it would be my first ceremony at the center. It turned out to be a very small ceremony because it was in between retreats, only four people including myself drank ayahuasca that night.
 
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I was very nervous going into this ceremony, feeling quite ill and it being my first authentic Peruvian ceremony in pitch black and what-not. As such, the very beginning of the experience was definitely difficult as my anxiety began to amplify with the medicine starting to take effect, but I purged (The term “purge” is often used in ayahuasca circles to describe the experience of releasing negative energies out of your system. This usually takes the form of vomiting but can sometimes be crying, pooping, sneezing, screaming, etc… anything that moves energy out of the body) very quickly and directly afterwards relaxed into a feeling of elation.
This ceremony did not contain much content that can be brought into the domain of language, as most of the evening consisted of waves of new energies moving through me, without much information associated with it.
 
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For much of the ceremony I found myself in a state that I believe has been called “stream entry” by the psychedelic community. This state is hard to describe but essentially feels like an complete lack of resistance or clinging to the phenomena that you are being presented with. The phenomena changes and morphs at an inconceivably rapid pace, which in most cases would feel overwhelming or frightening, but in this case is a kind of ecstasy as it flows through you with no resistance.
I did not experience anything that persisted in time, I experienced a morphing stream of phenomena that moved smoothly through me. I did not rejoice in the beautiful images and feelings, I did not despair in the frightening and painful images and feelings, but rather abided in the ecstasy created from the flow between them, in the process and not the individual elements.
 
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This ceremony opened some of the blockages I had in my throat chakra, I could feel it being opened as the phenomena moved through me.
This ability to embrace the flow of change, see beyond the illusion of permanence, and see the all-pervasive hilarity in it all, was my spirit, was my divine self. Most people I have heard finding themselves as a more stable form of a spirit, there may be a representation in the visual field or spiritual landscape, but for me it was clear that was not how my core would be apprehended. My core was abiding in impermanence, and in that, feeling and being the fabric of all things, the shape-shifting energetic source. But mostly finding it all hilarious, endlessly hilarious. I would learn more about my origin in the following ceremonies.
 
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This experience lasted around four hours, and consisted of this effortless flow of phenomena. These were some thoughts I took away from the experience:
 
ALL thinking is grasping, trying to solidify something from the rapidly changing energy that is the true reality.
 
What is the use in thinking? To leave notes for those who have lost their way.
 
Two polar extremes, occurring simultaneously, with me as the center point.
 
What could anyone possibly do to deserve this level of bliss? What an interesting twist we’ve put on things, bliss is our inherent nature, nothing must be done to be worthy of it…
 
I met my nemesis, it’s name is forever. All machinations of the mind arise from this desire or fear of forever. Forever is our greatest fear and our greatest desire, and always the ultimate trickster. When circumstances are favorable, we desire nothing more than forever. When they are unfavorable, we fear nothing more than forever.
It is the ultimate cosmic joke because forever is inescapable when properly apprehended as the eternal NOW, never ceasing.
 
I felt the spirit of the shaman as the most incredibly compassionate and gentle soul, I loved him so much in this state, that he would sacrifice so much of his life for this difficult path of healing others. It was very inspiring to me. I couldn’t stop thinking “what an incredible beautiful being”. His Icaros were gorgeous as well, and I could feel that he sang from a place of stream entry.
 
When fixated on concepts that are trying to extend into time beyond the present, there is no energy left for authentic expression of self. Grasping at anything, trying to extend your reach outside of the present moment, is an ENORMOUS energy drainer. It serves to deaden the senses.
 
At times it felt like all the organs in my body were re-arranging into a new configuration.
 
Trust is a tricky one, one of the most difficult things there is.
 
Suffering is spiritual currency.
 
Comfort with weakness is the greatest of strengths.
 
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Visuals: mild but charged with energy, feeling and character. I was only loaded to the point where I could still turn the hallucinations on and off at will depending on how I anchored my consciousness. I expect this will change with my next ceremony, a higher dosage.
 
Moods: Elated, contemplative and centered. Spirits moved through me but none could catch hold, I was the center of all phenomena, allowing all varieties of energy to pass through me.
 
Purge: Vomiting twice, consistent belching
 
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March 30th: Contemplating the mechanics of imagination

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Today there will be no ceremonies, a couple of the remaining guests are leaving to make room for the new group arriving on Wednesday. I spend the morning walking around the jungle, and I am feeling my conceptions of what imagination is and how it operates being challenged. Being from a highly anthropocentric culture, I have always understood imagination as an individually generative process, being generated from within the mind of the individual. This seems to be how it is regarded by most people, “you” use “your” imagination.
This way of looking at imagination makes the human seem very extraordinary, being capable of generating imaginal worlds essentially out of nothing. A notion very akin to the western conception of god, and indicative of the style of thinking we tend to fall into in the modern world.
 
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I have had difficulty with accessing “my” imagination in my adult life, as I expect many people do who live in an environment that does not excite or nourish it. However, as I am walking in the jungle, I find access to new forms of novelty and previously unrealized forms in my mind much more effortlessly. Unfamiliar feelings and images present themselves on the periphery of my awareness.
It would make very much sense to me that the noosphere functions under the same principles as everything else in the universe – emergent properties. Emergent properties is a term popularized by Whitehead for describing how seemingly “new” things come into existence. It requires a configuration of parts previously never combined before, this configuration yields “emergent” properties – properties not reducible to the sum of it’s parts.
 
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This would suggest that imagination is neither something purely generative, nor something that you simply “tune” into from external sources, but rather a process of co-creation. The imaginal forms that you are presented with are a completely unique phenomenon born from the combination of your internal state and the external energies accessed by your awareness.
When you become habituated to the energy of your surroundings over time, imagination becomes more difficult to access, and similarly so if your mind becomes stagnant without any large changes over time. The combination of new energies and psychological alterations will inevitably yield a flood of novelty. Imagination is the language of novelty in the noosphere, and communication between parts in the overall system.
 
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………….
 
As the day progresses, some panic and anxiety begins to set in. I miss people from back home quite strongly and am beginning to grasp how difficult this process of healing with ayahuasca is going to be.
I am very familiar with this feeling of panic from my prior experience with asceticism and extensive meditation practice, it will come and go in waves. As it comes, there is nothing I can do but lie in silence and let the energy flow outwards as much as possible, in whatever form of expression it takes, resistance to it will yield no freedom from it. This is the price of clarity, I have seen before. Letting go of all certainty, illusion of control, and security.
 
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I am not fearing the physical and energetic pain but the solitude, I look forward to the arrival of the larger group if only for the feeling of other humans around.
I try to cultivate love for my surroundings, all the nature surrounding me. If I can only calm my mind, I know it will speak to me and be my guiding force, my anchor of connectedness. However, I must go through the pains of letting go first.
 
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March 29th: First impressions, Hummingbird Center

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Upon arrival in Iquitos, the smell and taste of the air is a strikingly familiar feeling, a cascade of memories from Sri Lanka fill my mind.
I travel to the center alone with the driver, Wilson, in a vehicle very similar to a Sri Lankan tuk-tuk. I absolutely adore traveling in these things and could have happily stayed in it for hours on end, watching the markets and billboards slowly morph into jungle.
 
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The center is much smaller than I had expected, there are only 6 or so people currently, though I am told that number will at least triple on Wednesday.
Jim, the owner, is a very warm and inviting presence, though occasionally projects a very stern and fatherly energy when discussing certain subjects. I don’t feel I have a very thorough read on him yet, he is clearly motivated by kindness but also has the air of someone who has a background in business. I feel safe with him, but not entirely comfortable yet.
 
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Walking around the center, I soon notice a theme that I’m sure will be prominent in my work here – I cannot help but be critical. With all of the positive things about the way the place has been put together, I immediately focus my thoughts on where it could be improved, and how it doesn’t feel intense or radical enough for me. I have not even had ceremony yet (not til Monday) but I fear already that it isn’t hardcore enough, that it doesn’t kick people in the ass enough.
After a while of these thoughts, I recognize them as core contributors to my derealization (what I am here to address), my perfectionism and constant criticism of my surroundings. I try to let these thoughts go, and consequentially start feeling some of the energy of the plants and wildlife surrounding me. This is going to be my practice in the coming weeks.
 
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As I begin to lie down to sleep, I feel the surrounding nature communicating with me, much more so than I had expected. Usually when I close my eyes at night I have some level of closed eye visuals, but in general it is composed of familiar images and feelings. Tonight, I experience a much higher frame rate of closed eye images, and most strikingly, very unfamiliar forms and feelings, a much higher level of novelty. It feels as if new energies are entering my sphere, but only on the periphery, gently suggesting their presence.
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