For anyone reading the writings to come, please keep in mind this is an entirely phenomenological and subjective revealing of my experience with ayahuasca. I have not altered the terminology or content to better appeal to the current paradigm of knowing, nor have I altered it to fit my own usual system of understanding. This is how the medicine spoke to me, and I feel it is best to present it in it’s original forms that solidified in my consciousness over the course of time I spent with the medicine.
Any judgement, criticism of use of terminology, or skepticism is welcomed and entirely understood. The path of the skeptic is a good one, one of the most difficult ones with the most integrity. I admire the skeptic and welcome their objections to the beliefs presented here. However, I feel the expansion of modes of knowing is the best path to clarity, so I will make no effort to try to reframe the information passed to me into any particular mode of knowing. The mode of knowing it came to me in is essential to the information imparted. To reframe it into a scientific, pagan, astrological, Buddhist, etc… Mode of knowing would be to lose it’s essential nature.
With that, I hope you find something in these writings that connects you with your truth.
Intention: Open me to the energy of this world
The evening of this ceremony, before I even dosed, mother ayahuasca began talking to me, starting a dialogue in regards to my intention for the night. She told me “For me to open you, you will have to trust me entirely, relinquish all control”. I immediately realized that pure impenetrable trust in something and that kind of surrender was the hardest thing I could possibly do. Even so, I understood why it had to be done, there was no way around it. I told I would, I did trust her.
She told me she worked for god, and that I must trust in it. In future ceremonies I would fully realize my own understanding of what god is, but at this time, I was very uncomfortable with her using that terminology as it was not part of my usual metaphorical repertoire.
From my 8th ceremony:
God is the attractor within yourself that pulls you through all your experiences, pulls you towards itself and makes you learn who are you, to eventually realize yourself to be it. Fear is a tool to that must be used to become at peace with all aspects of yourself (god, the all). You may take as long as you like to reach the point of unity and acceptance of all things, it makes no difference, time is an illusion and there are only arbitrary intervals.
I prepared myself for complete surrender and unshakable trust in the experience, no matter what happened.
When the medicine started kicking in, I became very ill again, but it was very different this time, I had absolutely no fear left inside of me. I trusted what was happening with the entirety of my being.
I saw a green rod shoot up through the center of my body, I looked inside of my stomach and saw a cute and spunky little elf woman peeking her head out from inside of the green rod, she winked at me. I swear to god this whole bit was so cartoonish it was ridiculous.
My body felt incredibly sick, barrages of belches yet again. When I looked inside my stomach again I saw hundreds of these cute little green elf women kicking ass and taking names against the parasites in my stomach, roundhouse kicks and the whole bit. Soooo fucking cartoony I could hardly believe the silliness of what I was experiencing.
I hurled violently at this point, and felt considerably less physically ill. This large release of the energy held in my body, sent the trip completely out of my body and entirely into my mind, I was no longer aware of my body at all. The number of dimensions started multiplying rapidly, potential perceptions, new qualities of being, things of a nature I cannot come close to describing, etc…
It accelerated more and more rapidly and I struggled trying to keep up, it was an enormous toll on my mind. It became clear that this experience was accelerating past the point that my rational mind could make any level of sense out of it, it was too expansive and bizarre.
While this was happening, in the back of my mind I had a vision. It was a phallic, mushroom cap-esque rocket, that’s head was growing bigger and bigger and turning more and more red as these dimensions multiplied. More dimensions assaulted me, I felt like I needed something to hold on to and was flying off the rails of sanity. “You move much to fast” aya said, “Slow down”.
She began to take over everything at this point, and I saw what looked like my DNA running with swirls of red and black, slowly turning to green. My energy began shifting entirely, mother ayahuasca had a tighter hold on my being than in any prior experience.
“You have to trust me” she said, and with the following thought, the head of the rocket in my vision burst.
When you form a thought, it puts you in a place, a place conditioned by temporality.
Hell is a place, hell is a time. Heaven is everywhere, or everyplace. Because it is everywhere, it is not a place.
Heaven is no time, heaven is always now.
Fear is the only enemy.
(“Hell” in this musing is used as a descriptor for a mode of being and experiencing, rather than a quality of the present state. One could say, “so I’m in hell when I am on the beach with palms trees on a sunny day, because it is a place?”. Hell is a strong word but is the one I was given, and potentially yes depending on how you are perceiving it. Even though the present moment is pleasurable, you are still in the mode of being of what that night was labelled “hell”. This is very very much akin to the Buddhist term “Samsara”)
My mind vanished, and I became absorbed in the Icaros (songs of healing sung by the shaman).
Oceans of bliss erupted into me. I blacked out a good portion of this experience, I think it was too far removed from this realm to be taken back into it, as often occurs with dreams that are sufficiently otherworldly in nature. I remember mythological symbols and surprisingly familiar and indescribable feelings.
I then realized that as a being I was satisfied with very little, and that the vast majority of my depression was due to the feeling of alienation that comes from dissimilarity to others. I didn’t desire the same things, I could never see the point in chasing pleasurable and impermanent experiences.
The next thing I remember is looking up at the ceiling of the maloca, it was covered in eyes, pretty much exactly like “collective vision” by Alex Grey. Then I looked down and around the walls of the maloca, and snakes started pouring in from the walls and went to the middle of the maloca. They started to boogie down to the Icaros in the stereotypical snake-like fashion. I joined them in the center, and swayed my head side to side like a snake, diggin’ on the Icaros.
This snake dance, twisting side to side endlessly, seemed to be the perfect symbol, the perfect expression of the eternal truth that all things must always change. The dance was so much more communicative than words could ever be, it was a living metaphor, a sentiment that expressed the reality of all process. The dance could slow down or speed up, but it would always be moving, unendingly.
After this experience lasted a while, being absorbed in the Icaros and boogeying down, I asked mother ayahuasca to please stop the trip. As blissful as it felt, it seemed more important to remember the earlier parts of the trip and more information would make me forget important stuff.
It slowed considerably for the next 2 hours or so, but continued at a lower intensity. I abided in the feeling of all things changing, even my ideas of what change is and what anything is.
“Gracias, muchas gracias mi madre”
When you fully clear the energetic pathways, everything is a drug.
There is no need to consume drugs because every element of reality releases copious amounts of endogenous drugs.
Bliss and agony, these are your tools you must use
Flow along my friends, all things change, yes indeed they do
Two days later, it seems to have healed my digestive issues and stomach pains, ones that I have had for years.
Ayahuasca gave me a title for a future art/music project: Anarchist Of Thought
this ceremony easily had the most visions as of yet, there was a pretty constant feed of visual information throughout the
experience that I could tune into and manifest when it felt useful
Moods: overwhelmed, expansion, release, mystical state, acceptance, embracing the flow, bliss
Purge: some belches in the beginning, then a fairly substantial hurling session, after which my body felt incredible and for the first time I stopped belching entirely and could relax my body into dancing to the Icaros.