April 4th: Third Ceremony – The Dark Night Of The Soul

For anyone reading the writings to come, please keep in mind this is an entirely phenomenological and subjective revealing of my experience with ayahuasca. I have not altered the terminology or content to better appeal to the current paradigm of knowing, nor have I altered it to fit my own usual system of understanding. This is how the medicine spoke to me, and I feel it is best to present it in it’s original forms that solidified in my consciousness over the course of time I spent with the medicine.
 
Any judgement, criticism of use of terminology, or skepticism is welcomed and entirely understood. The path of the skeptic is a good one, one of the most difficult ones with the most integrity. I admire the skeptic and welcome their objections to the beliefs presented here. However, I feel the expansion of modes of knowing is the best path to clarity, so I will make no effort to try to reframe the information passed to me into any particular mode of knowing. The mode of knowing it came to me in is essential to the information imparted. To reframe it into a scientific, pagan, astrological, Buddhist, etc… Mode of knowing would be to lose it’s essential nature.
 
With that, I hope you find something in these writings that connects you with your truth.
 

 
The entirety of this experience had incredible correlations with a song that I wrote before I left for Peru, called Avidya (Buddhist term for ignorance of the truth of the reality of things). The song was written as a sort of musical purgative, as I was struggling with derealization. My hope was that it may be inspiring for others struggling with depression, and provide some catharsis.
Here is that track:
 
Ceremony 3
 
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Intention: Heal the bad energy in my second chakra, give me protective forces from the negative energy of others to help me deal with my empathy
 
Earlier on the day of the ceremony, I discussed with J my difficulties in the previous session and that I may go so far off the deep end in the coming ceremonies that I would not be able to help with the work duties, so we decided it may be best for me to sit this ceremony out. I was still processing a lot of information from the prior session and felt very clearly that the next session could be earth shatteringly powerful.
However later on that day, without much thinking, I very quickly decided it was the right things for me to drink that night, it seemed completely clear that it was important. J approved of the decision as well, as he had a great respect for following your intuition on these matters.
I had some difficulty deciding my intention for the coming ceremony this time, there was clearly a lot that needed to be worked on from the information I received in the prior ceremony. I was split between “give me protective forces from the negative energy of others” and “heal the pain in my second chakra and digestive issues”. At first I decided on the latter, but once we gathered to begin ceremony, I ended up focusing my intent on the former. I had spent a lot of time with the ayahuasca vine that day meditating on the healing process.
 
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When I was called up for my dose J asked what amount I would like, and quite surprisingly to myself, I asked for a very large serving, much larger than the previous sessions. It was almost as if it wasn’t myself who decided on the amount, as my ego was undoubtedly frightened at what such a large dose might yield, my prior session on a smaller dosage was difficult enough. But, it seemed that for this session I was going to need a very intense experience to get deep enough to uproot some of the deeper tensions inside of my body/mind system, and there was no way around it, I drank a very large dose of the foul tasting brew.
As it was coming on, I focused very strongly on needing a protective spirit, however once the medicine kicked in, it was clear it would be working on the parasite in my second chakra. My initial feeling that healing the second chakra was more important and urgent was correct, so the medicine started attacking that quickly. As I’ve said, mamma knows best and she doesn’t fuck around, it didn’t matter that my ego wanted a break from the intense work that had to be done on healing the second chakra, that is what needed to be done.
 
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I quickly fell into a similar state as my last ceremony, but amplified tenfold, my body was sicker than I have ever felt in my life. The painfully tight ball of energy in my abdomen was being pulled apart slowly, it had been tightened more and more over years of repression, there was a lot of work that needed to be done to loosen this up and release the pain.
I soon vomited, but after vomiting this time it began getting much worse and much much stronger and more disorienting of a trip. I realized the parasite was moving up and out of my abdomen and taking stronger hold over my body and mind. I couldn’t trust my thoughts, anything I felt wanted was really not good for me because it could trick me into thinking it’s thoughts were my own, but they weren’t. This is very hard to describe to someone who has not had this experience, I ultimately do not believe in dualities of any kind, but the subjective experience of feeling that the thoughts moving through your awareness are actually detrimental to your well-being and not really substantially *you*, can be quite a shocker. If I felt tired and weak like I should lie down, I knew I shouldn’t. If I felt hopeless, I knew I shouldn’t feed it. All of the inclinations I was pulled to were feelings of defeat, but I could recognize them as not me, that they were coming from this ball of stored agony being held in my abdomen. It felt like being over taken by a parasite trying to destroy my spirit, this is how it appeared subjectively. How I would actually classify this experience in retrospect, is an entirely different story. These writings are here for the purpose of conveying the experiences I had as authentically as possible, not drawing conclusions or meaning from them.
There is a song I wrote a long time ago, and recorded a very very lo-fi demo of, that is the perfect sonic expression of what this parasite in my abdomen felt like. At the time I didn’t entirely apprehend that’s what I was expressing, but in retrospect I realize I was expressing this tightening stabbing pain of depression that was held in my second chakra. This song was attempt at doing Black Metal, here it is for those interested in some super lo-fi black metal:
 
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This was hell, hell beyond anything ever possibly accessible or conceivable in a normal human state, I never knew such things could exist. It was very clear that to be confronted by this parasite was absolutely horrific, but the ultimate hell would be to become it. It pounded into my thought processes and I used all the energy I could to meditate on protective forces, I needed protective forces, taking this thing on myself was of no use, it had too much hold on me.
I belched constantly, rapid barrages of gas shot out of me uncontrollably. It felt like many hours passed by going through this hell, though I imagine in reality it was less than an hour’s time. There were absolutely no visuals in this state, it spoke a different language, of depression, isolation, and desperation.
Even through all of these moments of pure hell, I regularly said softly to myself “gracias, muchas gracias mi madre”. I knew this parasite was being pushed out of me and stayed with my gratefulness for mother ayahuasca, it was the only thing that gave me the strength to move through this.
 
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I saw a quick visual, the spirit of ayahuasca spinning and throwing fruits towards me. It said “I can work with you, you are too hard on yourself”. In the mix of fruits, I spontaneously zoomed into a bunch of blueberries, the color blue was so beautiful and healing, I began crying uncontrollably. I saw my heart and I sobbed, I loved myself like I never had before. I realized how awful I had always thought I was and that is wasn’t me but this parasite inside of me that caused it. I realized there was no one in the universe I loved more than myself, but in these moments I felt outside of my usual self, occupying a more eternal and wise awareness that could see things without my usual level of criticism and perfectionism.
That is when I saw my past life, and that my previous life was in a hell realm, that I was still fighting my way out of it. The parasite was carried over into this life from birth, and had always been the source of my terrible stomach issues ever since I was a baby.
 
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Around this time, my protective force came, only for a moment as a reassuring reminder that I was safe and being looked after. It was a big furry brown bear, sort of like smokey. He was so mild and gentle, furry and warm. He was the opposite of the cutting intensity of the parasite, he could protect me from what I could not myself when I was too overwhelmed by the hold of the parasite.
Unfortunately, this was only a glimpse, it wasn’t long until the parasite started fighting back harder and my belching became uncontrollably ridiculous sounding. I began to panic, but because of my meditation practice, I could still recognize the sensation of panic and see it as transient thing.
However, I didn’t know what to do, I felt this thing wanted to kill me. It would tell me to drown myself in the pond, or do other self destructive things, it was composed of all of the self loathing and hatred I had inside of me, presented to me in the form of an entity.
I already knew it’s name from the previous ceremony, “Forever”. As such, it’s main spiel was “it’s NEVER going to stop! It’s NEVER going to fucking stop!”. Luckily I knew that to be utter malarky from my deep intrinsic connection to Buddhism, all is Anicca.
 
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This pushed me to the point where I really felt that I may need help, I made it over to J’s place but he was absent. A Peruvian man soon approached me, I asked him for J and he went to get him. Then he stayed with me for a while, I sat at his knees crying and feeling as helpless as I have ever been, complete and utter surrender.
J came and we went outside, I told him I had no idea what to do, I felt trapped in hell. He told me it was best to stay seated and anchor my attention to the shaman’s Icaros, and that I would vomit when I was ready to.
J’s presence was so beautiful, so comforting, I didn’t want to leave him but I knew what he suggested was best. He said “it’s just ayahuasca”, and I smiled, I found some much needed humor in that somehow.
 
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I returned to my seat, the pain continued as strong as before but something had changed, I felt strengthened, I didn’t feel subservient to it anymore, even it still hurt just as much. Fernando (the shaman) made his way over to me with his chacapa and started singing to me. I belched intensely, even more so than before.
I realized I would need to shit, and I made my way cautiously to the toilet. The surrounding jungle was neither comforting nor disturbing, simply mysterious. Throughout this entire experience, all the terror and pain was coming energetically from inside me, and all external things felt either benign or comforting.
I closed the toilet stall and looked down at my belly, it was ENORMOUS, it expanded past the point I thought was possible, especially as I am a very skinny man. I began to experience what felt akin to the pains of childbirth more intensely than last time, pushing with all my beaten down energy into waves of pain, pushing harder and harder far beyond the point that seemed possible, a kind of transcendent pain. 
This was the dark night of the soul on the hero’s journey, and anyone who is familiar with the work of Joseph Campbell’s accounts of mythological congruity will know what I’m talking about. All major mythologies are built on this theme of the Hero’s Journey, with various components. These themes are ubiquitous throughout life everywhere, I highly suggest checking out “The Hero with 1000 Faces” by Campbell if these ideas interest you.
 
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I was constipated beyond belief, I needed desperately to get this shit out. I pushed and pushed, and belched and belched. Liquid shit began pouring out of me, the most putrid smelling thing I have ever, ever smelled. I rejoiced “gracias, muchas gracias mi madre”, for getting some of it out.
This process went on for quite some time, the ceremony had ended by now, but I was still purging and feeling the medicine very strongly and was stuck on the toilet with a circus of crazy psychedelic energy in my stomach.
At this point, is where it got really interesting. My shorts on the floor of the toilet stall became a cobra’s head, and it began telling me things about why this was happening and who I am. It first reminded me/showed me memories of Bhante Seeladassana, the monk I had been good friends with in Sri Lanka, he insisted that he knew I was a bodhisattva, though at the time I thought it was BS and it bothered me that he insisted on it so strongly. (A bodhisattva is one who reaches nirvana – full liberation from suffering, but vows to return to the cycle of birth and death until all sentient beings are liberated.)
The cobra said “you see, you’ve been through all of this before”, and with this I felt entirely outside of time, in eternity. I saw what an ancient soul I was, that I had travelled through the rounds of heaven and hell innumerable times before. With this realization of how many times this had happened before, I was no longer worried about anything, all worry left me, I saw beyond the illusion to my true self. There was no fear that could take hold of me because I could see the impermanence of all things, and that at varying arbitrary intervals all things would return to the embrace of the one.
“Gracias, muchas gracias mi madre”.
 
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I continued shitting liquid there until about 4 in the morning. I left the stall to wash my hands and looked in the mirror (ambitious I know), the parasite was still there but being sucked away. The parasite is still inside, but he is weak, desperate, pathetic. I am stronger than he is, I have love in my life, and protective forces.
I walked outside and many coiling snakes could be seen in most plants surrounding me (visions, not actual), throughout all of these ceremonies, snakes had an intrinsically comforting quality when they were in my visions. I went into the maloca to sleep for about two hours. When I awoke there was an enormous downpour, and I woke with a smile planted on my face. The world was alive and bursting with energy, it would help me in the quest against my demons.
 
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It is now the next day and I am surprisingly alert. My energy and mood are uplifted and euphoric, I can see the energy behind all form. I know what foods I need, boiled carrots, milk and almonds. However, these are not available so today I fast, I am drinking lots of tea and nothing more, it is helping more purge move along. I feel physically incredible, open to all the energy of the world.
Synchronicities abound, I listen to music and all the lyrics describe all my experiences in the past 24 hours, my mind is making connections between all things.
 
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Visuals: Almost completely absent, this experience was about my feelings of isolation and fear so it did not offer visuals as a distraction from the work that needed to be done. The most striking and vivid vision was that of my protector spirit, a big brown fuzzy bear
 
Moods: Hopeless, deathly sick, terrified, out of control
 
Purge: Only a small amount of vomit, tons of belches still and lots of diarrhea after the ceremony completed
 
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4 thoughts on “April 4th: Third Ceremony – The Dark Night Of The Soul

  1. wow…..wow…amazing. you are amazing with your courage and openness. It is not easy for a mother to hear such suffering. It’s felt deep and powerful. wow, Casey…

  2. Psychedelic relics greeted me in a dream last night — I have no doubt that it’s largely because I have been reading your writings here. It’s very interesting to read — I admire your courage in undertaking this journey.

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