April 2nd: Second Ceremony – Locating The Parasite

For anyone reading the writings to come, please keep in mind this is an entirely phenomenological and subjective revealing of my experience with ayahuasca. I have not altered the terminology or content to better appeal to the current paradigm of knowing, nor have I altered it to fit my own usual system of understanding. This is how the medicine spoke to me, and I feel it is best to present it in it’s original forms that solidified in my consciousness over the course of time I spent with the medicine.

Any judgement, criticism of use of terminology, or skepticism is welcomed and entirely understood. The path of the skeptic is a good one, one of the most difficult ones with the most integrity. I admire the skeptic and welcome their objections to the beliefs presented here. However, I feel the expansion of modes of knowing is the best path to clarity, so I will make no effort to try to reframe the information passed to me into any particular mode of knowing. The mode of knowing it came to me in is essential to the information imparted. To reframe it into a scientific, pagan, astrological, Buddhist, etc… Mode of knowing would be to lose it’s essential nature.

With that, I hope you find something in these writings that connects you with your truth.


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Ceremony 2

Intention: Show me my childhood, heal that which tore me away from who I am

And so the pendulum swings…
I spoke with Jim the day before this ceremony, and we discussed my various difficulties in life, primarily derealization and hyper sensitivity. The dance between these two extremes has been the crux of my emotional life since adolescence.
He found it of great significance that I could not remember anything prior to age 14, and suggested that for the coming ceremony my intention should be for Ayahuasca to heal whatever was blocking me from my memories. He thought it likely that was where I would find the catalyst to my derealized state.

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I took a higher dose this time, and as the experience was coming up, my intention ended up coming out as “heal that which tore me away from who I am”. Once ayahuasca is taking hold of you, from my experience your intention tends to morph into exactly what is most important and needs healing, and any effort to try and structure your intention precisely is completely out the window. Mama is in charge now, and mama knows best. You can guide the direction of the intention, but only very generally. It’s sort of like you can choose the genre but not the movie.
As the experience started coming on stronger, I felt that the medicine had pinpointed excactly where my fear was, I recall thinking “ah yes, there is my fear”. Many disturbingly bizarre and confusing images flashed through my mind, but ultimately I knew what was happening and wasn’t shaken by them, practice makes perfect like with anything else and my prior psychedelic experiences most definitely helped with navigating every one of these ceremonies. Instead I focused on the energy inside my body, it was clear I was becoming overwhelming sick throughout my entire being.

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I eventually noticed that all of the sickness throughout my body was originating in this tight stabbing energy ball inside of my lower abdomen (2nd chakra). I asked ayahuasca what this was and a flood of memories from my childhood came. I fully apprehended how empathetic I have always been, and how much pain around me there had been in my childhood. Even though I was not often causing the pain, I was tortured by it, I was helpless to stop it.
I looked into my abdomen and saw a parasite, this tight ball of energetic pain had been fucking up my digestive system and causing it to be dysfunctional for most of my life.
I wanted nothing more than to puke this thing out of me, but it just would not come. The overwhelming sickness continued and barrages of belches exploded out of me like gunfire. However I did not feel hopeless at all, I took to heart what Jim and the Shaman had told me, I trusted the medicine and trusted what it was doing, I was fully prepared to ride this shit out.

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The sickness continued for hours, spasms of dark energy moved through me.
“I found you, you little shit, you’ve been hiding in my gut for years trying to destroy me and my ability to feel pleasure. You can make me suffer but you can’t pull me down muthafuck, I will push you out of my system.”
One of the conclusions I came to from this experience, was that individuals are like fish in water in regards to feeling their own energy. Everyone is walking around inside of their own unique energy all of the time, so they fail to recognize how it actually feels and where the issues are, the are so habituated to it. You have to be so ripped outside of your body to gain the ability to look at it and actually perceive all of the tensions and pains that are in many cases persistent through most of your day to day life. One of the reasons I had been in a state of derealization and anhedonia, was due to that my body was actually in chronic pain. Not to the level of hospitalization of course, but there was a tremendous amount of tension that was being held in my gut all of the time. I couldn’t notice this tension and pain because of having been so habituated to it, I had to be removed from myself to see it and play doctor. All of this painful energy in my gut was disabling my body from feeling pleasure under most circumstances. It’s a hard thing to actually describe though, because this “energy” in my gut was not just a physical thing, it was directly associated with memories and feelings, it’s more like it was a center of fear that resulted in tensions in that location.
I ended up intuitively using acupressure throughout a lot of this process, this is a practice I have no experience with at all, but ayahuasca would guide me where I needed to place pressure and when.
(Also keep in mind, in these writings I will often use a dualism to describe energies or spirits that I am dealing with. This is simply for the purpose of functionality and was the best way to interface with what was happening in that state. I don’t actually believe there was a parasite or demon in my gut that was some outside force, I simply used that way of looking at it to move it out of me. Ultimately I believe in no dualisms, all is energy and consciousness playing with itself.)

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After some time, many images of John Lennon came into my mind out of nowhere, I felt an incredibly strong resonance with him. It felt as if he was some sort of protective spirit or even a past life of mine, however you can’t really make heads or tails of things inside of these states.
Eventually I made my way to the toilet, I was very shaky on my feet but managed to make it there, though it felt like a pretty difficult journey.
I spent a couple of hours on the crapper praying I could shit this thing out but nothing came. I felt a huge expanding energy inside my stomach, I pushed with all my might into waves of sharp pains to try and get it out. It felt like I was giving birth, it was incredibly intense. Complete physical agony, pushing and pushing into the pain past the point I thought I was capable of. I wasn’t in control of it though, it had to happen.
After some time of this, visions started to form on the walls of the stall. I first saw swarms of sperm making their way to an egg on the floor, the theme of birth was getting more and more pronounced. The quality of these visions was very strangely comforting, I felt a spirit behind the visions, like an artist who was working to communicate with me through their artwork.
When that subsided, I saw some groups of snakes move towards the center of the stall and coil together, this was somehow incredibly comforting and reassuring at the time.
I looked up from the floor and discovered the walls were covered in images of old native people, landscapes, and civilizations. These visions were gorgeous and possessed qualities I had never felt before, I felt like I was slipping through time into something very ancient.

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The next vision that came before me was strange and beautiful vision, much more vivid than the rest. Now be patient because this sounds awful at first.
Imagine a shot of the shore taken from a beach, this is the shore of a sea filled with many varieties of feces, blood and rotting insects. Coming out of this sea is me and someone else who will remain nameless, we are covered up to our cheeks in these feces, blood and rotting insects. But, we have our arms up in the grasping eachother’s hands and they are perfectly clean. Above our hands is the word “Love” and a beautiful sky behind it.
This vision was communicating to me that love would pull me through this experience of hell, ayahuasca was reassuring me that all of this agonizing pain would not last, that it could not last. I felt entirely reassured of my purpose being here working with the medicine, and knew this pain was worth it, that it was what needed to happen, and that love would pull me through it. I completely surrendered to the pain, and liquid shit began pouring out of me, it smelled more foul than anything I have ever smelled (sounds nice, right?).

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After this I made my way back to the maloka, still feeling very physically ill but spiritually much more uplifted. They soon announced the end of the ceremony after I returned. However I was still very effected by the medicine and very physically ill.
After about a half hour maloka belching, I made my way back to the toilet and began the process of shitting large amounts of liquid for most of the rest of the night, maybe 3 hours or so. With all of the images of John Lennon as a theme, I was strongly pulled to listen to “across the universe”. I did so and it was a profoundly beautiful experience, I felt such a strong resonance with John, like I could feel exactly what he was feeling when he wrote that song.
I only slept about a half hour that night.

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It is the next day and I am very alert and energetic which is very unusual for me considering my lack of sleep. What’s more is I am in a very altered state for the whole day. I am seeing auras around many things and the energy inside everything becomes vibrant and charged with character when I focus strongly on it, it is a very psychedelic and colorful state for the whole day but mild enough to still function.
That being said, the demon in my gut is still present. Now that I have become fully aware of it’s presence I will easily be able to tell when it has been removed.

Notable thoughts:

Sometimes you just gotta get down on your haunches and DROP THAT TURD (this thought was being said in Terence McKenna’s voice in my mind and served as a form of comfort and humor that helped me through some of the more difficult points in the ceremony)

Spirits speak the language of becoming.
What I mean by this is, we communicate inside of this additional dimension of conception that exists apart from what we generally perceive as our core selves. However, I perceived that the way spirits communicate is by actually *becoming* what they mean to communicate, rather than using a separate domain for language that exists apart from what they are. This is a bit like how Terence describes the communication between Octopi.

Visuals: no visuals for the vast majority of the experience, frightening images in the beginning and a short, maybe 20 minute period of gorgeous visions of ancient cultures, snakes, and sperm around the 4 hour mark.

Moods: very physically ill, sorrow, sadness, nostalgic, sympathetic, dying, occasionally seeing the hilarity in it all

Purge: no vomit, barrages of relentless belching, tons of liquid shit after the ceremony

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