March 31st: First Ceremony – Reclaiming My Spirit

For anyone reading the writings to come, please keep in mind this is an entirely phenomenological and subjective revealing of my experience with ayahuasca. I have not altered the terminology or content to better appeal to the current paradigm of knowing, nor have I altered it to fit my own usual system of understanding. This is how the medicine spoke to me, and I feel it is best to present it in it’s original forms that solidified in my consciousness over the course of time I spent with the medicine.
Any judgement, criticism of use of terminology, or skepticism is welcomed and entirely understood. The path of the skeptic is a good one, one of the most difficult ones with the most integrity. I admire the skeptic and welcome their objections to the beliefs presented here. However, I feel the expansion of modes of knowing is the best path to clarity, so I will make no effort to try to reframe the information passed to me into any particular mode of knowing. The mode of knowing it came to me in is essential to the information imparted. To reframe it into a scientific, pagan, astrological, Buddhist, etc… Mode of knowing would be to lose it’s essential nature.
With that, I hope you find something in these writings that connects you with your truth.
Ceremony 1
Intention: Connect me with my unique energy, show me my purpose
(It is common in ayahuasca circles to go into the ceremonies with an intention in mind, what you wish to learn from the experience. It could be healing a particular part of yourself, opening to the spiritual realms or dimensions, acquiring protection, etc…)
The day of this ceremony, I was quite ill, my body was having trouble adapting to the sweltering new climate and foods. I had a bit of a fever, very upset stomach, diarrhea, and felt very physically weak. I had some concerns about drinking ayahuasca that evening and consulted Jim about how I was feeling. He said it was entirely up to me if I wanted to drink or not, but that ayahuasqueros would always say to drink, actually even more so if you were somewhat under the weather. It is after all, a medicine, and a very powerful one at that.
I found out that night that one of the workers at the center who doesn’t normally drink was doing so that night because she was trying to get rid of a sickness herself. So I decided to drink, and it would be my first ceremony at the center. It turned out to be a very small ceremony because it was in between retreats, only four people including myself drank ayahuasca that night.
I was very nervous going into this ceremony, feeling quite ill and it being my first authentic Peruvian ceremony in pitch black and what-not. As such, the very beginning of the experience was definitely difficult as my anxiety began to amplify with the medicine starting to take effect, but I purged (The term “purge” is often used in ayahuasca circles to describe the experience of releasing negative energies out of your system. This usually takes the form of vomiting but can sometimes be crying, pooping, sneezing, screaming, etc… anything that moves energy out of the body) very quickly and directly afterwards relaxed into a feeling of elation.
This ceremony did not contain much content that can be brought into the domain of language, as most of the evening consisted of waves of new energies moving through me, without much information associated with it.
For much of the ceremony I found myself in a state that I believe has been called “stream entry” by the psychedelic community. This state is hard to describe but essentially feels like an complete lack of resistance or clinging to the phenomena that you are being presented with. The phenomena changes and morphs at an inconceivably rapid pace, which in most cases would feel overwhelming or frightening, but in this case is a kind of ecstasy as it flows through you with no resistance.
I did not experience anything that persisted in time, I experienced a morphing stream of phenomena that moved smoothly through me. I did not rejoice in the beautiful images and feelings, I did not despair in the frightening and painful images and feelings, but rather abided in the ecstasy created from the flow between them, in the process and not the individual elements.
This ceremony opened some of the blockages I had in my throat chakra, I could feel it being opened as the phenomena moved through me.
This ability to embrace the flow of change, see beyond the illusion of permanence, and see the all-pervasive hilarity in it all, was my spirit, was my divine self. Most people I have heard finding themselves as a more stable form of a spirit, there may be a representation in the visual field or spiritual landscape, but for me it was clear that was not how my core would be apprehended. My core was abiding in impermanence, and in that, feeling and being the fabric of all things, the shape-shifting energetic source. But mostly finding it all hilarious, endlessly hilarious. I would learn more about my origin in the following ceremonies.
This experience lasted around four hours, and consisted of this effortless flow of phenomena. These were some thoughts I took away from the experience:
ALL thinking is grasping, trying to solidify something from the rapidly changing energy that is the true reality.
What is the use in thinking? To leave notes for those who have lost their way.
Two polar extremes, occurring simultaneously, with me as the center point.
What could anyone possibly do to deserve this level of bliss? What an interesting twist we’ve put on things, bliss is our inherent nature, nothing must be done to be worthy of it…
I met my nemesis, it’s name is forever. All machinations of the mind arise from this desire or fear of forever. Forever is our greatest fear and our greatest desire, and always the ultimate trickster. When circumstances are favorable, we desire nothing more than forever. When they are unfavorable, we fear nothing more than forever.
It is the ultimate cosmic joke because forever is inescapable when properly apprehended as the eternal NOW, never ceasing.
I felt the spirit of the shaman as the most incredibly compassionate and gentle soul, I loved him so much in this state, that he would sacrifice so much of his life for this difficult path of healing others. It was very inspiring to me. I couldn’t stop thinking “what an incredible beautiful being”. His Icaros were gorgeous as well, and I could feel that he sang from a place of stream entry.
When fixated on concepts that are trying to extend into time beyond the present, there is no energy left for authentic expression of self. Grasping at anything, trying to extend your reach outside of the present moment, is an ENORMOUS energy drainer. It serves to deaden the senses.
At times it felt like all the organs in my body were re-arranging into a new configuration.
Trust is a tricky one, one of the most difficult things there is.
Suffering is spiritual currency.
Comfort with weakness is the greatest of strengths.
Visuals: mild but charged with energy, feeling and character. I was only loaded to the point where I could still turn the hallucinations on and off at will depending on how I anchored my consciousness. I expect this will change with my next ceremony, a higher dosage.
Moods: Elated, contemplative and centered. Spirits moved through me but none could catch hold, I was the center of all phenomena, allowing all varieties of energy to pass through me.
Purge: Vomiting twice, consistent belching

5 thoughts on “March 31st: First Ceremony – Reclaiming My Spirit

  1. wow… this touches an incredible amount for one ceremony and also that it was the first. It shows a lot of openess and awareness. the concept in forever especially stands out for me. I love the pictures, since they give a visual as reading. Sharing ourselves always has a ripple effect. So, thanks for dropping the pepple in the water. Looking forward to hearing more.

    • Indeed, it cleared entirely. I barely slept that night and was bursting with energy the next day, healthy as an ox.

  2. Forever is our greatest fear and our greatest desire. — very interesting and true. The essence of my most profound psychedelic and spiritual/religious experiences have inevitably encountered forever. I think I’m going to like reading the rest of these — I’ll try to read one a day. Thanks a lot for sharing this.

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